Train stations are liminal spaces and action is information.

A push more than a step. I’ve been let go.

Ive been optimizing for the journey, enjoying my time of waiting and anticipation - similar to someone wandering the train station before beginning a new journey.

For my second post, I was going to write about my point of departure and some of the experiences on my journey that brought me here. I started this experiment as a way to prepare for leaving the traditional path, leaving corporate America behind, pursuing other ways to work and to follow my passions. But then it happened. Suddenly but expected, A push more than a step taken…I (and the rest of my team) got laid off. I had kind of hoped for it. And yet, Im shaken.

Train stations are liminal spaces

We find ourselves in that space in-between. Not quite yet where we are going, but also no longer in the place we were before. I happen to love this feeling of in-betweenness and find growth and learnings there. I’ve enjoyed being in this liminal space for the past few months as I thought about and experimented with ways to get off the traditional path - but you can’t linger in the liminal for too long. At some point, you have to move on. And action is information.

I have known for a while (like known deep in my bones) that I want to leave the tech and corporate world and have dipped my toes into the freelance world on and off. I have felt mentally ready and fairly prepared to make the change and leave it all behind. We saved up a decent emergency fund, we paid off all our debts (except our mortgage) and Ive been planning and experimenting for a while now. But there is no way to learn about the internalized stories and the emotions that come from experiencing this step, other than by just going through it.

We learn by going through it

When the invite from my manager and HR popped up on my calendar, my heart sank. The meeting appeared early in the morning (it was sent at what would be an insanely early time for my manager’s timezone) so I immediately knew. Its strange the physical sensation and emotions that rushed in right away. Even though I knew it was coming and I’ve known for a while.

I felt the blood rush to my head and my fingers were tingly as soon as I saw the invitation….Once I got off the call. I wandered around the house aimlessly for a bit, I took the dog on a walk. I talked to my partner and started reaching out to some friends and colleagues and it felt good to blow off some steam. I caught myself all day teetering between total relief and relentless panic. I would open my phone over and over, opening my slack and email out of habit, and closing it again right away since everything had been disconnected already. Checking my calendar for what’s next, with nothing showing for the whole day. All this has been much more disorienting than I expected.

Stepping into the journey (with a little push ;)

Up until this point, the possibility of this happening - It’s all felt so distant, so murky and unsure and now that it has happened, I feel a clear distinction between the before and the after. There is now a wide chasm between “the time before being laid off” and “the time after being laid off”.

I am also learning how hard it is to actually give yourself grace and time to process. I had been thinking about this moment for so long and I told myself, that of course I would give myself grace and time to reflect. But I also assumed I would feel relieved and so the energy Ive felt the past couple months would continue and accelerate. But that day it didn’t. I feel emotionally exhausted, distracted, and disoriented.

But I guess Im boarding that train to the unknown destination so maybe this disorientation is to be expected - my time exploring and wandering on the train platform is over and it’s time to buckle up and get going. So as I step into this journey Im taking with me this reminder that action is information and so I will continue this experiment and learn out in the open.

Im eager to connect with fellow travelers, so if you have thoughts, reflections or questions, or if you are interested in sharing your experiences, send me a note at theambiguityadvantage@gmail.com or find me on twitter at @ambiguityfornow.

Sincerely,

Anonymous (and officially unemployed), for now…